I can walk to the park.
I can hear other people outside.
I can hear cars going by.
I can hear the neighbors through the walls (or floors, as the case may be).
I can smell city smells...both the good and the bad.
I can wake up and watch the sun rise over the skyline.
Basically, it's the peanut butter to my jelly. It is glorious.
When plans to move were first in the works, I was very excited. I still am. But it's also a very thought-provoking time.
Moving into a new apartment with two girls and a dog, all of whom I barely (really, don't) know is maybe one of the scariest things I've ever done. And why? Because I am a control freak.
We've been talking a lot about fear during the messages at church. My first thought was, "Well this is so good for fearful people. Not me, though. I'm not fearful." But when I really got to searching, I realized that I try to control everything because of that very reason: I am a fearful person. I am scared. All of the time.
Pete (my pastor) gave a short list of things that scare him. Here are a few of mine:
- Asking for help (my favorite five words--"I've got it. Thanks, though!")
- That something I have said/done or will say/do will cause someone to stop believing in my Savior...or to choose not believe in Him in the first place
- Clowns (this is a real thing)
- Becoming financially insecure
- Someday realizing that my time on Earth has been meaningless
And that's the short list. All of these boil down to one thing, though--I am fearful of the unknown. So what do I do? I try to control it...and by "it", I mean everything. Something Pete said stuck out at me as the core issue that I have. I do not have a fear problem; I have a faith problem. I try to control everything because I don't trust that God has it under control (spoiler alert: He does). So instead of leaving it up to God to determine what is best for me, I bend over backwards to try to control things that I can't control anyway.
So starting today, I give up. I am going to (attempt to) stop controlling things. The bottom line is, in the end, God already knows what will happen. And maybe, just maybe, I will find that I enjoy just living. Maybe I will find that I enjoy not having to play God...because shockingly, God has that role filled. Maybe I will be a happier person. And maybe someday I will realize that God holds me in His hand--a place where no one can touch me.
One thing is for sure--He has already blessed me in more ways than I can count...including adding two sweet girls and a precious little puppy to my life.
