A New Chapter

I moved this past weekend.  I moved from the suburbs into the city...and I love it.

I can walk to the park.
I can hear other people outside.
I can hear cars going by.
I can hear the neighbors through the walls (or floors, as the case may be).
I can smell city smells...both the good and the bad.
I can wake up and watch the sun rise over the skyline.

Basically, it's the peanut butter to my jelly.  It is glorious.

When plans to move were first in the works, I was very excited.  I still am.  But it's also a very thought-provoking time.

Moving into a new apartment with two girls and a dog, all of whom I barely (really, don't) know is maybe one of the scariest things I've ever done.  And why?  Because I am a control freak.

We've been talking a lot about fear during the messages at church.  My first thought was, "Well this is so good for fearful people.  Not me, though.  I'm not fearful."  But when I really got to searching, I realized that I try to control everything because of that very reason:  I am a fearful person.  I am scared.  All of the time.

Pete (my pastor) gave a short list of things that scare him.  Here are a few of mine:

• Asking for help (my favorite five words--"I've got it.  Thanks, though!")
• That something I have said/done or will say/do will cause someone to stop believing in my Savior...or to choose not believe in Him in the first place
• Clowns (this is a real thing)
• Becoming financially insecure
• Someday realizing that my time on Earth has been meaningless

And that's the short list.  All of these boil down to one thing, though--I am fearful of the unknown.  So what do I do?  I try to control it...and by "it", I mean everything.  Something Pete said stuck out at me as the core issue that I have.  I do not have a fear problem; I have a faith problem.  I try to control everything because I don't trust that God has it under control (spoiler alert: He does).  So instead of leaving it up to God to determine what is best for me, I bend over backwards to try to control things that I can't control anyway.

So starting today, I give up.  I am going to (attempt to) stop controlling things.  The bottom line is, in the end, God already knows what will happen.  And maybe, just maybe, I will find that I enjoy just living.  Maybe I will find that I enjoy not having to play God...because shockingly, God has that role filled.  Maybe I will be a happier person.  And maybe someday I will realize that God holds me in His hand--a place where no one can touch me.  

One thing is for sure--He has already blessed me in more ways than I can count...including adding two sweet girls and a precious little puppy to my life.

Seasons of the Soul

We all go through different stages of life.  

Some stages are easy - being 6 years old, for example.  You're old enough to dress yourself and think for yourself, but young enough for naps and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Other stages are harder.  I mean really, did anyone enjoy puberty?

I guess while I was growing up, I thought it would get easier.  Life would be easier when I could drive.  Life would be easier when I went to college.  Life would be easier when I had my own house, my own job, etc.  But I'm realizing how wrong that thought was.

Growing up isn't easy.  In fact, I would venture to say that it's just as hard as puberty, with its own quirks and queries.  There are different situations to go through, different bridges to cross, different questions to ask.  Perhaps the most painful part of growing, however, is pruning.  And I can tell you firsthand, pruning can hurt.  A lot.

I recently joined a small group of "creative adults".  This group of people is different than any other small group that I've ever been privileged to call myself a part of.  In this group, we ask real questions.  We share about real hurts we have.  We encourage each other.  We do life together.  God has truly blessed my life by putting these people in it.  

Last week, we were talking about Romans 11, and we got on the topic of our lives being pruned by God.  I never really understood what the pruning analogy meant until a few years ago.  One of my sister's friends has a rosebush in her yard, and her dad came over to trim it for her.  He cut a lot off of the bush.  By the time he was done, it looked like he had killed the rosebush.  There was so little of the bush left - it looked dead.  My sister said her friend was furious.  She had this big, beautiful rosebush, and her dad killed it.  The next season, though, the bush grew.  By the time it bloomed, it was bigger and more beautiful than ever before.

I think sometimes that's how I feel with God.  God prunes our rosebush lives, and to be honest, it hurts.  Sometimes it makes me furious with Him.  I want to ask Him, "God, what in the world do You think You're doing?!"  I want to beg Him to stop, to say, "Lord, what are You doing?  I'm dying.  I can't take any more."  Somehow, though, God pulls us through.  And sure enough - the next season brings a bigger and more beautiful rosebush.

Chris Tomlin has a song called "Faithful" that I think says it best:

You are there in every season of my soul

You are there, You're the anchor that will hold

You are there, in the valley of the shadows

You are faithful, God

God is faithful no matter what stage of life we're going through.  He's there through every season.  He has never let me down...not ever.  And if I'm honest, I don't think He ever will.